Hitler’s Heck Cows: Diary of a German Soldier

With news of farmer Derek Gow’s imported 13 ‘Nazi Heck’ cattle. We have uncovered the diary of a German Guardsmen Hanz, who worked on the original project in 1940’s Germany.

1940, 1st of November, The Cattle Arrive

Churchill wants to fight us on the beaches, we know that the best way to fight is on the farms. The orders have come from higher command, that we are not to greet the beasts with a Hitlergruß. The cave paintings apparently show the Heck cattle as being very sensitive to arm movements which explains Führer’s strange gait at the last rally. It is becoming clear he does not wish to offend the Uber Udder’s at such a sensitive time in the breeding process.

1940, 15th of November.

Adolf loves his milk, that is becoming clear as the project moves on.  He now visits the cattle every other day and has picked out a favourite, a young redhead he has named Eva. Rations are beginning to be syphoned off for the cows and although we now have plenty of dairy products, the grains we used to make breakfast have been allocated to the cattle. Bruno, the night guardsmen in jest says it“is no bowl of rice pops” working at the farm…This sounds like a suspiciously American joke.

1940, 25th, November

While I was shovelling the Cow Dung,  Goebbles has been inspecting the cows for possible propaganda photos for the Christmas addition of Der Angriff.  He has commissioned a large scale poster, depicting Churchill as a Schwein and the leader as a homely farmer tending to the cows. Bruno says that from in the sketches, Goebbles himself will appear as a Turkey. Bruno illustrated this by clucking at Goebbles men as they left.   We are all in anticipation of the Xmas menu which has already been allocated for the cattle, Higher command says that they will be served Apfelstrudel which will make the milk sweeter.

1940, 5th, December

I am writing this using the cow dung, the cattle have been very aggressive of late, which higher command say is due to anticipation of the holidays. As a result, Der Führer’  has syphoned our stationary to them in order to ‘“Breed the creative spirit of the German people”  We received our Xmas menu’s today, which is decidedly vegetarian. While I am thankful to The Great Leader for a nut roast, the cattle smelt of Glühwein after his most recent visit, which I would be grateful to receive. They are clearly angry drunks and it has turned into the night of the long horns trying to control them.

1940, 20th of December

The mood is sad here on the farm today, Bruno has been given a train ticket back home for the holidays, he was having trouble walking and was ushered on by armed officers. Something about an incident in which Eva, Adolf’s prize cattle, accidentally drank too much Glühwein and ended up in the guards bunk with Bruno as he was sleeping. Eva was found with massive internal damage, I do not miss Bruno, his jokes about Hitler’s calves were beginning to become jarring.

1940, 25th of December

Happy Christmas!  The Barn was decorated as a grotto by Adolf’s higher guard.  I did spend most of the morning clearing the wrapping paper that the Heck Cow’s left behind and I missed my Nut Roast. I made it back for the speeches,  Adolf was excited at the aggression of the cattle, proclaiming that “…one day all of Germany will be a nation of Heck Cows.” This admittedly is not a prospect which thrills me, though I suppose one day there will be enough to be able to have a steak at Xmas. I enquired about this to the Führer who informed me that it was not ‘traditional.’ as punishment for my queries,  I am to be allocated to Führer’s next project involving a race of Nazi Super Turkeys.


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